My Miscarriage Story

Miscarriage is so common, yet we don’t talk about it. We are told not to tell anyone we are pregnant until at least 12 weeks. Those first 12 weeks are SO vulnerable. Yet most have to navigate it alone, perhaps just with their partner. This is not ok. We must normalise talking about every aspect of pregnancy- including loss. Considering 1 in 3 Women will miscarry, it makes no sense to keep something so common, and so traumatic quiet. We must be able to support each other through these hard times. I’ve chosen to share my Miscarriage story. It’s normal. How I feel is ok. I want those that have miscarried to heal. I want those that will miscarry, to not have to go through it alone.

This is my miscarriage story, as it was happening.

I’m bleeding.
It started with brown blood on the toilet paper this morning when I went to the toilet.
It’s slowly gotten heavier & turned bright red.
I’m scared.
I had bleeds throughout my last pregnancy, but they were all very minor & brown blood.
This is different.
I don’t know what’s going on, I can’t know, until I wait.
Wait to see what happens.
Wait to see if it settles.
Or, if it gets worse.
If pain comes.
If it’s a miscarriage, I’ll know.
Right now, I don’t.
I’m sad.
I want everything to be ok.
I’m trying not to let my head get in the way, thinking of the what ifs.
I trust my body.
It knows what it is doing.
It’s wise beyond words.
I trust you.
I love you.
I surrender.
I’m in the unknown.
I don’t like it.
I’m not in control.
My mind wanders.
I flow between being ok & tears welling.
I just want to know, so I can grieve.
Or, so I know everything is ok.
But, I have to keep waiting.
Its agony.
I try to concentrate on Dylan, & rest.
I’m taking it easy on myself.
I’m trying desperately to hang on & believe the positive thoughts.
Be optimistic.
I know that my body knows what it is doing.
I know this is supposed to happen.
I know.
But, It’s still hard.
I’m retreating.
I need to protect myself, until I know for sure.
I just had a blood test.
The blood test that will tell me whether or not I’m still pregnant.
I’ve told people.
I have 4 friends pregnant at the same time.
I found an awesome midwife.
Everything seems aligned.
But, this was supposed to happen.
Whatever this is.
I’m supposed to talk about it.
I know that.
Maternal Mental Health begins in pregnancy.
Its physically, mentally & emotionally tough.
We’re told to keep it to ourselves in the first trimester.
But, that’s when so much can happen & we need support!
Whatever happens today, I’ll share my journey.
So the women behind me don’t feel so alone.
So the women who have been through this feel seen & heard in my story.27/01/20
I had a miscarriage.
I lost my baby.
I keep thinking why.
Yet, I know my body is wise.
I know this was supposed to happen.
I know I didn’t do anything wrong.
But, I cant help it.
Why now?
Why me?
It’s one if those things I don’t need to know the answer to.
I know I’m supposed to have another baby.
I know it will happen.
I guess it just wasn’t the right time.
Now it’s time to focus on looking after myself – body & mind & focusing on the beautiful child I do have.
When your ready body, we’ll try again.
I love you.


Sarah x


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